Internet Dating-First Date Conversation: Do’s and Don’ts!

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One question that I am asked frequently by clients dating on the internet is,” what should I talk about on a first date?”  Usually, most of us have lots of nerves on a first date- especially a blind date with a virtual stranger from the internet! If we give into that insecurity-  the tightness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach, and sweaty, clammy sense of impending doom or utter annihilation, our true personality does not shine! Everyone wants to be around someone that makes him/her feel good. In fact, I think the most important thing to remember on a first date is to try and focus your attention on making the other person feel relaxed and comfortable. Get out of your own head and use the date as an opportunity to learn something new, or to make a new friend, if there is no spark.

The key is to ask lots of questions, but not make your date feel like they’re being interrogated. A good rule of thumb is to ask a question, really LISTEN to the answer, and show your interest. Everyone has something unique and special to share. If you look for the good in someone, and show your appreciation with laughter, smiles, and warmth, you will begin to build a connection, and that is really the only goal for a first date.

If your date is talking about things that you disagree with, tell them that you feel differently, but try not retaliating or becoming enraged. There will be plenty of time for that later, if it works out! For now, on a first date, just work on establishing a rapport. Find your similarities. Of course, if what they believe in is unacceptable for you, you are completely repulsed by them, or you discover any other deal breakers, just stay cool and remember you can end the night early, gracefully. There is no point in getting yourself worked up or trying to change their mind in this context. The point of a first date is just to see if you want to get to know this person any better on a second date in the future.

If the conversation is a little slow, remember to ask your date about his/her favorite trips, most fun times, favorite food, what they couldn’t live without- things they’re most passionate about. Keep the conversation positive and simple. When people are talking about what they love, they feel good.  Share your personal experiences where you felt the most free, alive, and happy. This builds a basic level of emotional intimacy, and you will be having fun, while showing your date what you’re all about. If you both laugh, have fun, flirt, there is a mutual physical attraction, and you are both ready, then there will be a second date.

Save these topics for the second date, beyond or never:

-Ex’s

-your divorce or last break up

-diseases that you have, or are scared you might have (unless it’s obvious for anyone to see)

-your baby daddy and issues pertaining to your baby daddy

-grilling your date about their finances, political opinions, or religious views

-how you were unfairly arrested for domestic violence charges

-your previous felonies

-how fat, ugly, or stupid you think you are

-all of the guys/girls you have slept with

-how happy you are now that you’re unemployed and finally able to watch “The Price Is Right” on your couch everyday

-childhood incest or molestation (obviously this is a serious matter, and not meant to be shared on a casual first date with a stranger)

-all of the times you have been to rehab

-your unresolved issues

-how unbelievably lonely you are

-the cult you belong to

- how much more fun you’re having than with your date from this afternoon

Good luck and happy dating! Keep your chin held high, and remember it only takes one.

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